“I’m... My husband and I were daydreaming about what we would do if we won the lottery. Scene: With a patient in my medical exam room Me: How old are your kids? Get someone else to push hard against their chest. Then one day, he surprised us all when he popped a cigarette in his mouth and produced an... Two dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter. My dad would wait till she had put it on her nightstand and say, “Do you want to go to sleep or what?” Not being able to hear, she would inevitably respond with “What?” And that, my dad joked to me on numerous occasions, is the explanation for why I come from a very large family. Use this as inspiration for one of your April Fools Day pranks! An exercise for people who are out of shape: Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Want to protect your things from people you suspect might be snooping? “Oh, relax. No matter who you are or where you live, you probably know someone who smokes cigarettes. If my father was in a doctor’s waiting room and saw another old-timer looking dejected, he’d shuffle up and tell him, “A rabbit goes to the dentist, and the dentist... My father and I were in the snowplow he drove for work when I saw a switch encased in a box. He storms back to the yard sale and tells the previous owner, “I can’t get the mower to start!” “That’s because you have to curse to get it started,” says the man. But I couldn’t clear the top of the mattress. In this prank you can make some one get their own pee on themselves. Newest funny jokes of the day. My granddaughter’s husband was complaining about how spellcheck changes the meaning of e-mails when an Air Force officer told him this story: He’d sent a message to 300 of his... What's a quiet Hawaiian laugh? Use this as inspiration for one of your April Fools Day pranks! One day, convinced he could improve things, he told the head cook, “If you give me a... What I remember most about my dad’s jokes is my mother’s reaction. We call him the Village Idiom. Mike asked him, “Are you Dunn?” The gentleman said, “Yes.” Mike replied, “Well, why don’t you write to your mother? “I’m sorry, you have the wrong number,” I said. “Now I just wish you could.” —Megs Brunner. The following are 5 very simple pranks that you can do at home on friends and family. I loved the dress that I bought at a flea market. Me: What’s the Wi-Fi password? While reviewing future, past, and present tenses with my English class, I posed this question: “‘I am beautiful’ is what tense?” One student raised her hand. Exasperated, the customer glared at me and said, “In my newspaper, the ad was for this store!” —Edward Oppenheimer. When my local barista handed me my change, one coin stood out. Simply changing the liquid aromatic cleanliness of the freshener to something not so sterile and sweet is all you need to do. At his funeral, the preacher said, “In his lifetime, this man told thousands of jokes, but they were always the same one.” —M. 128. Here's my favorite dad joke, with me as the dad: Every Sunday on the way to church, we would have to stop at a railroad crossing. The person standing should then lose concsiousness for a few seconds! Ed: I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. “Yesterday was my 18th birthday!” a customer said after walking into our convenience store. When I was 12, my father told me a terrible story that had happened at the gas station that day. Then he remembered what I’d said and confidently called out, “Acura!” —Linda Price. When my local barista handed me my change, one coin stood out. “Two-day shipping will cost $12.95 to get it there by Friday,” my coworker Billy told her. Fred: How bad is it? “Which side is left?” —Josh Weston. Teaching history is old news. My father and I were in the snowplow he drove for work when I saw a switch encased in a box. Just remove the light switch chord and dangle your new string in its place, attached to your container of flour above. Completely confounded, I muttered, “I’d love to meet the genius who designed this mess.” With that, my passenger extended his hand in my direction and said, “Well, today is your lucky day. It's that time of year when high school students say goodbye the their past four years of coddling, ready to enter the "real world" and the next chapter of their lives—college. DM: Yes, and that bard your playing isn’t great either. “Oh!” I shouted. I started: “I’d hire a cook so that I could just say, ‘Hey, make me a sandwich!’” Thomas shook his head. —A.K. The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway her. Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag. ... dairyman be a cowboy? The band was Hall & Oates, and this gag perfectly sums up my father’s sense of humor. Learn how to create secret messages using only milk. This prank is about as simple as it gets. I know there's the whole salty and sweet thing, but that can only go so far. —Matt Rizzo. The men wrote, “Woman, without her man, is nothing.” The women wrote, “Woman! We recommend our users to update the browser. Not you, that’s for sure. Follow the simple instructions in the video tutorial. The cruiser opened up, shells furiously flying all around... During World War II, my father often found himself stuck with KP duty. —Bill Woodman. It’s only a baby,” he says. He then asked for some e-cigarette products and handed me his ID to prove he was... An utterly confused woman called our local fire station about getting a haircut. As my sister and I were counting the cows in a pasture, Dad glanced over at the herd and said, “There are 127.” “How’d you know?” we asked. The gunners’ very first shot sent the drone into the water! It’s only a baby,” he says. She insisted I was wrong, so I got a copy of the paper, and we went through it, eventually landing on an ad for pants from another local store. St Patricks Day Jokes "May the wind at your back not be from the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch." ... referee be a game warden? Settle in: You're in the right place. Me: OK, I’ll have a Coke. Here’s my favorite dad joke, with me as the dad: Every Sunday on the way to church, we would have to stop at a railroad crossing. 10. There's not much you can't make with paper. Since the coronavirus outbreak, my 47-year-old son has been washing his hands religiously. “What’s this for?” I asked. Without her, man is nothing.” —Susan Allen. As my two sons were climbing into the back seat of our car, Eric, five, yelled, “I call the left side!” That didn’t sit well with Ron, four. Yes, we all know these types of jokes and puns. Aloha. This was my favorite: There was a young lady named Mabel. You can make some easy invisible ink using just some milk. “I was pumping gas when I noticed this small dog licking up a puddle of gasoline off the ground,” he said. Scene: A sports store. Only much later did I find out that it was his garage-door opener. It can be very gross if you deem necessary. Think of it this way: All comedy is about surprise. Pirate Jokes. When the night shift nurse arrived, I recounted what had happened. I found plenty of brochures but no maps. All you pretty much need is black shoe polish and access to your teacher's dry board eraser. But we're talking about lawyers... PARENTS: Some of the jokes on this site may not be suitable for children. Watch this how-to video from the hidden camera series, "Do Unto Others," as Justin Heimberg demonstrates the best ways to prank people using your cell phone. “I’ll get you one.” As he walked to the back, the second guy explained, “We keep them in the storage room. Why did the dinosaur say “hello” to the little girl? With great fanfare, he flipped open the top, flicked the spark wheel, lit his cigarette ... then chucked the lighter overboard. You did not kick out. One day, I was driving over a new bridge, the design of which was very... To save money, I suggested to one of my grown sons that we all live together in one house. I had us at a 60 minute time limit match at the Rosemont Horizon. St Patricks Day jokes that get you in the spirit without the need for spirits. I started: “I’d hire a cook so that I could just say, ‘Hey, make... As my two sons were climbing into the back seat of our car, Eric, five, yelled, “I call the left side!” That didn’t sit well with Ron, four. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for... My daughter received this e-mail from a prospective student prior to the start of the semester: “Dear Professor, I won’t be able to come to any of your classes or meet for any of the tests. Now thoroughly deflated, he asked, “Does that mean I’m not 18?” —David Hansen. The buttocks (singular: buttock) are two rounded portions of the exterior anatomy of most mammals, located on the posterior of the pelvic region.In humans, the buttocks are located between the lower back and the perineum.They are composed of a layer of exterior skin and underlying subcutaneous fat superimposed on a left and right gluteus maximus and gluteus medius muscles. The bottom line, here being, that nobody likes a cheat. So what’s the Wi‑Fi... After a health scare, I hugged my wife and whispered, “If something happens to me, the presents in my closet are yours.” She whispered back, “If anything happens to you, everything in your closet is mine.” —Dean Simpson. 12. It left its tracks.” I got a moan the first couple of Sundays. Then came Dad’s ship’s turn. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. subchapter i—generally (§§ 1981 – 1996b) subchapter i–a—institutionalized persons (§§ 1997 – 1997j) subchapter ii—public accommodations (§§ 2000a – 2000a–6) By putting some baking soda in with the ketchup you can prank someone by making the ketchup bottle spray everywhere once it's opened. Read More. Finally, convinced by Mom’s enthusiasm, she asked, “How long have you been retired?” Mom said, “This is my first day.”. One day, convinced he could improve things, he told the head cook, “If you give me a paring knife, I could peel these potatoes faster.” The cook turned slowly to my father and said, “Son, you’re in the Army. Back home, he pulls on the starter rope a few times with no results. You can see the exchange below. The band was Hall & Oates, and this... My mother was hard of hearing and wore a hearing aid that she removed at bedtime. The game between the Sox and the Indians was in the ninth inning, with the Sox ahead by a run. Well, Mike looked for Tim everywhere he went, asking many a man whether he was Timmy Dunn, but to no avail. Then one day, he surprised us all when he popped a cigarette in his mouth and produced an expensive lighter from his pocket. Do you look for great blonde jokes to read then you’ve come to the right place. I General Lee don’t find them funny. I wore it confidently to an evening party and glowed when a woman exclaimed, “Oh, how stunning!” Yes, I was grinning from ear to ear, until she added cheerfully, “Hang on to it, honey. Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Just watch the video tutorial to get a better idea of how you can turn those items mentioned above into a hilarious pranks and booby traps. And each time, I’d tell my 12-year-old daughter, “A train just went by. Complete delusion. My dad was not a jokester, but his fun side did come out once in a while. Turning it over and over in her hand, she said, “You know, I always thought they were made of copper.” —Linda Neukrug. Civil War jokes? Mom admitted she didn’t have anything particular in mind, and the pair started chatting. “I wear this... During a job interview at the 99 Cents store, my son was asked, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” My son’s reply: “At the Dollar Store.” He got the job. How fast were you planning on going? I’m an ether bunny.’” —Lisa Ann Turay. The... My granddaughter's husband was complaining about how spellcheck changes the meaning of e-mails when an Air Force officer told him this story: He’d sent a message to 300 of his personnel addressed to “Dear Sirs and Ma’ams.” It was received as “Dear Sirs and Mamas.” —Phyllis Howard. “No, this is the fire station.” “Oh! “I finally got it!” —Susan Wall. Damn. WARNING: Some of these jokes are in bad taste. Not much is needed, you already pretty much have the household items so just follow the instructions and you'll be on a prank spree this April Fool's Day! This is very funny and the cigarette looks real so it is easy to hide in plain sight. —Comedian Matin Atrushi, A priest buys a lawn mower at a yard sale. He saw my phone on the couch at home and brought it with him. If you have—you need some help. I was really getting into it when a coworker in the next trailer poked his head in. This is out of sympathy. Please be advised, these jokes condescending, evil, racist, mean, sick and so forth. “Not me. Because saran wrap is clear, the person will not see it, start urinating, and the urine will splash onto the person. To make someone faint, first have them squat down and breathe in deeply for about 10 seconds. Fake your death online and have a grand ole time fooling all of the people that know you. “I served in Korea,” said Uncle Jerry. This video will show you how to create a trick where you try to get smokers to get a cigarette butt out of some plastic without touching it. He kept running and running until he finally just dropped to the ground right in front of me.” I gasped, “Oh no. I went to Bank of America to deposit a check, and they asked me for ID. Bartender: Three dollars. But if your goal is to be offended well by all means keep on reading. Where was the Magna Carta signed? So what’s the Wi‑Fi password? Trying to get a friend to quit smoking? When I was 12, he took me to a Chicago White Sox game with a group from a local tavern. “Keeping it safe for democracy.” —Lori Shandle-Fox. Bartender: Three dollars. During World War II, my father often found himself stuck with KP duty. Best Programming Jokes (tags: programming humor funny geek computer fun jokes humour) Share and Enjoy: These icons link to social bookmarking sites where readers can share and discover new web pages. WARNING : This is dangerous and I am not responsible for any injuries/deaths that may occur. I needn’t have worried. The next time he wanted to use our new toy, he looked a bit puzzled. “Don’t you hear the rattle?” —Steve Smith. For the first prank you're going to need an empty container, preferably black, a smoke bomb and a lighter. Here is a crop of the funniest jokes involving the "terrible lizards," better known as dinosaurs: Howson, in. Patient: Well, the older ones didn’t give me any grandkids, so I made my own. Then, just wrap invisible tape around it to keep it engaged, and wait for your victim to try and use the sink. My Dad’s favorite joke is indelible: Joe is a new man on a construction crew. 11. Not all jokes are meant for kids, that is why we have specifically listed these jokes for adults. Related article: Darren Clarke on the Open returning to Northern Ireland Best golf jokes: Swing and a miss But with a simple mod, it could be the world's best stink prank. These nuggets of gold were diligently sourced for and not just randomly picked. In this simple tutorial, you'll learn how to easily set up a prank on your teacher in class for April Fool's Day. Mom immediately started telling her how much she liked no longer working and how the saleswoman would enjoy it too. I found plenty of brochures but no maps. Video: . It encourages even the most uptight, unfunny party-poopers among us to have a little fun driving each other crazy with pranks — even at work. I went to Bank of America to deposit a check, and they asked me for ID. The Hilarious jokes are the funniest jokes that you will ever find and they have a little touch of sassiness. Meaning you'll get someone wet in the process. “Yeah, I got in a lot of trouble for that,” the gunner said. My mother was hard of hearing and wore a hearing aid that she removed at bedtime. All you need is some kind of tray, some flour, string, and a part of your house where there is a pull-chord light switch (most likely the basement). Once during target practice, an unmanned drone flew past an antiaircraft cruiser. Then, just wrap invisible tape around it to keep it engaged, and wait for your victim to try and use the sink. Blonde jokes are old favorite, you’ll enjoy yourself tremendously over a good blonde joke. 127. As we reached a red light, he pointed to the box. The best part about April Fool's Day is that everyone is fair game. “I’m sorry, you have the wrong number,” I said. Feeling down about my thinning hair, I told a friend, “Soon I’ll never need to go back to the beauty salon. I handed her the penny. “No, I want the left side!” “I want the left side!” “No, I want the left side!” Intervening, I said, “Since Eric is older, he can have the left side.” “Thanks, Dad!” said Eric. A manager leaped to his feet to ask, “Shouldn’t there be a hyphen between nit and picking?” —E. I was having so much fun, I said, “I hope the Indians tie the game in the ninth.” The die-hard Sox fans we were with were horrified, but not Dad. During a job interview at the 99 Cents store, my son was asked, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” My son’s reply: “At the Dollar Store.” He got... Two guys stole a calendar. “I’m looking forward to that!” —Mona Randem. Then, have them stand up straight against a wall and hold their breath. So I grabbed him again, summoned all my might, and hoisted him onto the bed. Funny quotes, sayings, photos, songs, videos and more. Watch them blow and cough their black lungs out for hours! Seriously. Dad listened for a few seconds before telling my mother, “It’s for you,” and handing her the phone. An utterly confused woman called our local fire station about getting a haircut. “Usually I just ask him to get in bed, and he does.” —Erin Dockery. —David Bez, Traveling through the Midwest, I stopped at an Ohio welcome center to pick up a state map. Fake your death online. Learn how to make fake semen and trick all your friends. The legendary packaging is good for two rather nerdy tricks: A) a very trippy optical illusion and B) a very infantile boob illusion. If you're looking for a simple yet effective prank to pull on your teacher on April 1st, why not try this one?